WoW-head Threads

Sterkvark the Pirate (Part XII and Last Call)

2009-12-08T19:56:00.000-08:00

Sterkvark the Pirate went ever deeper into the Swamp, where he went native for a while...

He wandered in a nightmare until one day he reached the very heart of darkness...

...the Grim Guzzler, where not even the floorshow could arouse him from the depths of despair.

With no ship and no crew his life was without purpose, as empty as Shattrath after WotLK.

So he drank...

...and he brawled...

...until even the Dark Iron Dwarves got sick of him and booted him to Booty Bay...

"I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a gray mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way, where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over"
- John Masefield

Finally, he got wind of a ship, a grand ship, the finest pirateship ever built, and what is more he was offered command of her!

"At last!" though Sterkvark, "Me luck has finally come around!"

The ship was everything he had been told and more...

But she was also underground, in a remarkable oversight of engineering that meant she would never put to sea.

It was the final indignity.

"I have done with roving!" swore Sterkvark. "Time to hang up me cutlass."

So he took out his hearthstone and bade good-bye to the pirate life...

For old pirates never die...

They just go home to Momma!

The End

Sterkvark the Pirate (Part XI)

2009-12-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

What goes up, must come down. The "Hindenburg" crashed and burned in a tropic latitude, and Sterkvark was lucky to walk away with the shirt on his back. He was short on provisions, short on gear and short in general.

He made his way downslope to where through a miasmal gloom he could see an oily sea. This could only be the Swamp of Sorrows, a pestilent mire much like the bayou where his maternal Grandfather, Jean LaFait Accompli, used to bluster and filibuster in olden times.

There are worse things than being stuck on a beach with nothing to do but fish. But when all you catch is malaria it tends to lose its allure.

To make matters worse, Sterkvark was up to his eye in crocodiles.

Perhaps he had lost his nerve along with nearly all his worldly possessions. Perhaps the fever clouded his judgment. Whatever the reason, Sterkvark determined to turn his back to the sea and head inland to make his escape.

Not since Morgan took the Silver Train at Panama had a pirate attempted such a swamp romp, but Sterkvark reasoned that he had had such disastrous luck with ships that it was time to look to his feet for his deliverance. Let us hope that his little piggies make it to market, and nothing makes him squeal like a pig...

(To be continued...)

Sterkvark the Pirate (Part X)

2009-12-08T19:27:00.000-08:00

Having cheated Death, Sterkvark found he was still in Limbo when it came to finding a way out of Northrend.

There was not a boat on the water that did not already have a Captain, and the only "watercraft" he could find unattended did not look as if it would last long on the open sea, let alone a few feet from the wharf.

Nor was he eager to tempt fate by trying to take over another pirate ship (and then sail her single handed).

If he was going to return to Southern Seas, he would need to book passage on one of the regular transports, and to do that he would need gold.

He took a job mucking out the Stables of Augeas, but found that Northrend livestock were prodigious dung producers...

They were always looking for lumberjacks in the Grizzly Hills who still had all their limbs, but a mishap with an axe left him one step away from a peg leg...

Finally, he made his way to the Argent Tournament, and because none of the factions were taking on freebooters as valiants, he decided to joust for the dubious honor of the Booty Bay Bruisers...

He performed brilliantly...too well, in fact, for as Champions of Stormwind and Ironforge fell like a barometer in a typhoon, he soon came to the attention of the authorities, who seized him as an undesirable and sentenced him to hard labor in the Saronite mines. But Sterkvark was through with manual labor, and just as they were shackling him to a chain gang, Sterkvark burst free of his guards and dashed for a nearby unattended vessel. He cast off the bowlines and laughed as the ship pulled away from the dock....

...and then to his astonishment rose straight up into the air!

As he drifted out over the icy sea,
Sterkvark though his luck was finally looking up. This was a sturdy craft, as smooth a ride as Goblin Engineering could make her.

He even liked the name of the airship: "Hindenberg" had a lucky ring to it...

(To be continued...)

Sterkvark the Pirate (Part IX)

2009-12-08T19:02:00.000-08:00

All things considered, the life of an undead pirate on a Ship of the Damned was not the worst way to spend one's time.

It certainly beat some of the other jobs Sterkvark had done before he traded in his landsman's clothes for an eyepatch and a parrot.

He used to be the head chef for the Valiance Expedition, but developed Carpel Tunnel Syndrome after his 497th mead basted caribou.

He had tried his hand at prospecting in the Hellfire Peninsula, but since all he found there were demons, that didn't pan out...

While he loved to fish, it was a hard way to make a living, especially when his main source of income had come from hooking coins at the bottom of the Dalaran Fountain...

Compared to those occupations, sea roving with all its hazards was a grand adventure. And aside from the fact that his shipmates were skeletons, and he himself appeared to be numbered among the ranks of the undead and doomed to sail for all eternity, he had to admire their priorities...

The trouble was that because he was dead, he was unable to taste the rum nor partake of the promised wenches who were presumably frolicking ashore. Nor was there ever any plunder.

After weeks of battling the same foes and sailing the same short loops around the ice floes, the reality of Limbo began to hit home.

It was worse than doing Dailies!
It was worse than farming hyacinth macaws!
It was worse than having Trade Chat on every channel!

Oh, the humanity! The horror, the horror!

So it continued, until one day after endless days he noticed a small island not away, and on it a shimmering shade and a few rude graves.

"That's it!" cried the Sterkvark, suddenly recalling that the thing to do when you died was to return to the Spirit Healer and then run back to your corpse. He must have done it a thousand times before this, yet somehow had been misdirected to this phantom ship instead of the graveyard. Without wasting another moment he plunged over the side and swam to the island...

...where as he waded ashore he found only the ghost of the pirate who had run him through, scabbing during a spirit healer strike and in no mood for granting Sterkvark a rez. This left our hero in a blue funk...

No, that's not quite right. It made him get funky! Time for the big payback!

"Hey! Gotta gotta pay back!! (The big payback)
Revenge!! I'm mad (the big payback)
Got to get back! Need some get back!! Pay Back! (the big payback)
That's it!! Payback!!! Revenge!!!
I'm mad!!"

I can do wheelin', I can do dealin' (yes you can!!) But I don't do no damn squealin'!
I can dig rappin', I'm ready, I can dig scrappin'
But I can't dig no backstabbin (Oh No!!)

The brother get ready!! That's a fact!!
Get ready you Mother, for the big payback (The big Payback!!)
Let me hit em!! Hey Hey!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

There is nothing like Soul Power to really open up a can of whup ass on the undead. Sterkvark got up for the down stroke, blew the roof off the sucka, and started to feel good (like he knew that he would).

His non corporeal adversary didn't have a ghost of a chance, and as the veil between the world of the dead and the World of Warcraft lifted, Sterkvark and his no longer ex-parrot (a Norwegian Blue) were back in the land of the living!

(To be continued...)

Sterkvark the Pirate (Part VIII)

2009-12-08T18:37:00.000-08:00

Sterkvark came to his senses, only to conclude he must have taken leave of them. He was lying in a ship's cabin, which was normal enough, and his wounds had been dressed, though he wasn't sure he wanted to look under the bandages just yet in case his insides were more outside than in.

No, it was the broom busily sweeping the floor by itself that seemed out of place. No pirate ship he had ever known had had such amenities. He got to his feet, pulled on his bloodstained shirt, and unsteadily made his way out of the cabin to get his bearings.

He found there were spirits freely flowing in the galley, but while he was bone dry Sterkvark didn't have the stomach to join in.

On deck he found a skeleton crew...

While the Captain at the helm was an old aquaintance...Sterkvark had only just killed the fellow, or else his Doppelgänger.

Either he was the only man alive on a ghost ship, or else he was doomed to haunt the seas as one of the damned and dead. There ought to be a way to test this, thought Sterkvark, but in a time when the best defense against accusations of witchcraft was to drown instead of float, the standard proofs of undeath did him no good if they proved fatal. He decided to develop his own metaphysical argument to prove his existence:

1. I exist.

2. My existence must have a cause.

3. The cause must be either:

a. myself
b. my always having existed
c. my parents
d. something less perfect than Blizz
e. Blizz

4. Not a. If I had created myself, I would have made myself perfect. Not undead and stuck on a ship full of skeletons with not a wench among the lot.

5. Not b. This does not solve the problem. If I am a dependent being, I need to be continually sustained by another. Like the $13 bucks Blizz collects each month to keep me animate.

6. Not c. This leads to an infinite regress.

7. Not d. The idea of perfection that exists in me cannot have originated from a non-perfect being.

8. Therefore, e. Blizz does not exist. But the guy who pays for my account does.

"Arr, bugger philosophy and philosophers!" shouted an exasperated Sterkvark. "Rene Descartes was a drunken fart! I drink, therefore, I am!"

So declaring, he raised a tankard of insubstantial grog to his ego, and ignored where it streamed onto the deck through the rapier holes beneath the bandages. It was not as if he hadn't died many times before in this game. He might as well enjoy himself while waiting for a rez....

(To be continued...)

Sterkvark the Pirate (VII)

2009-12-08T18:19:00.000-08:00

Throughout his nefarious career, Sterkvark the Pirate had had many a near death experience. Now, as he swooned on the deck with a rapier through the guts and his life flashing before his misting eyes (or rather, eye, as he had but one), images of the past filled his fevered mind.

He recalled his many deeds of daring do, such as the time he slaughtered the Southsea Freebooters while liquored up Don Carlos Tequila.

And the time he survived a dish of bad clams. And the time he shot that albatross with his crossbow...that had been a mistake!

"I looked upon the rotting sea,
And drew my eyes away ;
I looked upon the rotting deck,
And there the dead men lay. "

There was the time he had taken on the Theramore Marines, scaling the highest wall of the highest tower only to discover that not every gun in their arsenal had been silenced.

Then too, he recalled his escape from the gibbet at Gadgetstan, when his parrot brought some silver, he brought a little gold, and saved him from the gallows pole.

And the time when his magical crawdad suspected he was destined for the gumbo pot and made a preemptive strike...

But never before had Sterkvark been in such mortal peril, and as he drifted toward the light, it seemed to him that an angel descended to his aid, or what passes for angels among pirates: a wench with a a bottle of rum. But would even these thoughts of the sweet life be enough to keep him from slipping his cable and shuffling off this mortal coil?

Could this be....the end?

(To be continued...)

Sterkvark the Pirate (Part VI)

2009-12-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

A plethora of penguins but a paucity of plunder. Sterkvark the Pirate was heartily sick of the frozen North. He hadn't had a decent mug of cherry grog since Booty Bay, and the flimsy material of his swashbuckler shirt did nothing to keep out the icy blasts.

The local pirates, however, seemed content to swill their tepid draughts and shake their booty instead of looting it.

Enough was enough. Sterkvark decided if you can't join 'em, beat 'em!

With a blood curdling "Arr!" he fell upon the Northrend Pirates, laying them low like a mechanical harvester on Goblin Rocket Fuel. Like a cannonball among ninepins. Like Spanish Fly in the ointment at a Club Med massage table. None could withstand his furious blows, his expert swordplay, or his vitriolic verbal abuse:

"Avast, ye flea-bitten Elwynn lambs! I've seen kobolds swing cutlasses better than you orlop slops, by thunder. Ye call that a parrot? More like a tickbird, to be sure, and you may lay to that! Stand still, damme, and let me kill ye proper, ye skulking muckbreaths! And quit bleeding on the deck, or you'll be holystoning it in Hellfire, me hearties!"

Finally he came to the Pirate Commander, who bore a startling resemblance to others Sterkvark had met before. By his count there were half a dozen look-alikes for this foppish freebooter from Booty Bay to Westfall, and not one of them ever dropped his scarlet coat or pirate hat when slain.

"Let's see if yer any different from those jaunty jellyfish!" snarled Sterkvark as the claret ran and another cutthroat captain bit the dust. Sterkvark strode triumphantly across the deck of his new ship, and advanced on the helmsman.

"Alright, you hogbacked water rat, let's see some spit and polish here. I want this ship scoured so bright I can see me handsome mug in it! You've had a soft cruise, but this ain't the Love Boat! Straighten those shoulders! Chin Up, you misbegotten murloc! Let me inspect your weapons! Present Arms!"

Which the pirate did, with unfortunate consequences...

(To be continued...)

Sterkvark the Pirate (Part V)

2009-12-08T17:50:00.000-08:00

A seafaring man without a boat is like a sword without a sheath, thought Sterkvark: naked, rusty and easily blunted. To make matters worse, like every jack ashore his thoughts had turned to love.

But with neither loot nor liquor nor a ship at his command he was at a considerable disadvantage when it came to wooing and wenching.

Not that he didn't try, but the women at the pirate encampment in Howling Fjord were either too drunk to notice him or laughed in his face.

"See here, shorty!" laughed a comely cutthroat, "If you've any chance with me you must defeat the very best of our crew."

"Best fighters?" shot back Sterkvark, for hell hath no fury like a pirate spurned, "I'll have their guts for garters!"

"No!" laughed the wicked wench dismissively; "our best dancers!"

Sterkvark made a valiant effort, but had to contend with a severe racial handicap; there is nothing sexy about a dancing dwarf...

Finally, our redfaced ruffian had enough. "To the devil with wenches!" he snarled, and with a wheeling high kick laid two contestants low. While this was not enough for him to win the covetted Northrend Idol award, it was nonethess more satisfaction than he was likely to get from Olga the Serving Wench...

Sterkvark the Pirate (Part IV)

2009-12-08T08:49:00.000-08:00

Like his old shipmate Chief Brody used to say, Sterkvark was "gonna need a bigger boat." Northrend ought to have provided him with many options, but for one reason or another every vessel he considered left something to be desired.

In Venture Bay he met a certain "Captain Omen" who tried to sell him his boat, but Sterkvark just couldn't work out how he was going to swing aboard an enemy ship from a submersible...

He visited the Winterfin Murlocs for a replacement eyepatch, but just couldn't bring himself to raise a crew that only sang sea chanteys that went "Mrglmrglmgrl..."

He thought he had found a wonderful opportunity when he looked in the Want Ads and found a fully equipped sailing vessel with everything needed for an extended yoyage included...

....except water.

Finally, he decided the only way he was going to get the ship he needed was to pirate up and steal one.

He thought about cutting out a Vrykul longship but recalled that the giants exploded into stinking heaps of seaweed when slain and he had already endured a lifetime of stench while drifting about on the dead gorilla...

He made his way to the Onslaught Harbor and challenged the craven captain of one of the ships to single combat. What a whiner! Sterkvark though he would never roll over and die, but no one came to the captain's rescue and at long last Sterkvark had his ship and put to sea....

...forgetting that without a crew it would be impossible for him to hand, reef and steer simultaneously...

It was enough to make any sea dog settle down and start up gold farming...

(to be continued...)

Sterkvark the Pirate (Part III)

2009-12-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

Sterkvark found that sailing man-o-war fashion was quite different from a buccaneering cruise. For one thing, the Stormwind Sailors were squeaky clean sorts, and given to bursting out into sea chanteys with lines such as:

"We are smart and sober men, and quite without a fe-ar / In all the Royal N, there are none so brave as we are!"

What he wouldn't give for a hearty halyard chorus of "frigging in the rigging" !

He soon took to hauling himself aloft to the topgallant spar where he could slip into something more comfortable than his Admiral's disguise and share a quid with his parrot, taking turns spitingt tobacco juice on the jolly tars below. Used to the eccentricities of the Stormwind nobility, the officers and crew of the warship thought nothing of this behavior and went about their business.

So they proceeded until one foggy day in northern waters, a pirate ship bore down on them with broadsides blazing. Gazing through his cracked spyglass, Sterkvark uttered a mighty oath. Blistering blue barnacles! It was his old ship, the Blue Oyster!

But by the time Sterkvark reached the deck, the navy ship was in dire straits, a dozen holes below the water line, fires burning unchecked and all her guns disabled. Sterkvark raged across the listing deck crying "A hose, a hose, my kingdom for a hose!"

But to no avail. The crew were either dead or busy down below rehearsing for their big musical number that night. As "Onyxia's Revenge" burned to the waterline, Sterkvark was certain he could still hear them singing; "Three little maids from school are we..." It was very humiliating, especially for a Pirate King (and it is, it is, a glorious thing to be a pirate king).

Sterkvark had to admit, as he clung to a charred timber, that he was running through vessels faster than a gold farmer through Deadmines. His luck, he felt, was bound to change, and fortune, if it didn't precisely smile at him, eventually made a half-hearted grimace.

Just when it appeared that he and Davy Jones were about to become close acquaintances, a small native craft paddled over the waves. Although he could not speak the savage's native tongue, many years at sea had given Sterkvark a particular facility with the sailor's sign language understood by wharf rats and mooncussers across the many seas of Azeroth.

After frenzied gesticulation and much emoting of /beg, /cry and /lick, he got the message across to his rescuer that he wanted to find the pirate ship.

"Just lay me alongside, ye bison-headed heathen, and I'll rake her from stem to stern and take her for my own!"

The tauren paddler made some strange sounds that might have been comprehension, or perhaps indigestion, and off they went through the icy waters in search of the Blue Oyster that Sterkvark was already thinking of as once again his pearl.

It was a considerable letdown to discover that the only "great pirate ship" that the Tauren savage knew about was not a first rate, nor yet a sixth rate fighting vessel, but only great in comparison to his small canoe.

Still, beggers cannot be choosers, and so Sterkvark climbed aboard the "Dingy Dinghy", a paltry pirate pinnace of no great renown but in need of a captain. As he looked over his new command and the handful of bilge rats he now had as crew, Sterkvark mused;

"'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door, but 'tis enough. 'twill serve."

To which his first mate replied; "Cap'n, we be but humble sailors, not given to a-quotin' the likes of Billy Shakes. How about a chorus from H.M.S. Pinafore instead?"

Sterkvark promptly throttled him.

(To be continued...)

Sterkvark the Pirate (Part II)

2009-12-08T08:07:00.000-08:00

The fight was desperate, the odds overwhelming. The Great Ape didn't have a chance. Sterkvark may have been lightly armed and armored, but the Giant Gorilla was no match for his strength and stamina. With a few snicker snacks of his wicked blades, the monster fell full on the sand...and on Sterkvark's Jolly Boat, smashing it to kindling.

There was nothing for it but to fashion another craft from the materials at hand, and after much effort and with the help of the rising tide, Sterkvark put to sea on his new vessel which he christened "The Fay Wray" after an old flame who used to have a thing for monkeys...

The monster floated, but the warm tropic waters promoted rapid decomposition and it soon occurred to Sterkvark that he might have done better making a normal raft out of wood. After an excruciatingly noisome voyage, he one again sighted land, and beached the much-reduced carcass on a lonesome coast, far from habitation...

...Or so he thought, until he rounded the first headland and found himself right in the midst of Stormwind Harbor. This was not the best place to show up in Pirate attire, and the shore patrol promptly seized him as an enemy of the state and hauled him prisoner before the King...

Soon, our fearless cutthroat trembled before the wrath of King Varian Wrynn, reduced to pleading for mercy to avoid the fate he so richly deserved of hanging in chains as a warning to all seadogs and scallywags that Stormwind will hound their kind from every ocean. The dread monarch was unmoved to clemency and ordered his headsman to take Sterkvark to Execution Dock without delay...

...Woah, woah, woah, stop it! Maybe in another universe, but this cannot possibly be the fate of Sterkvark the Pirate! He laughs at the face of death and then jumps down its throat! He tosses back flasks of Volatile Rum like it was Rumsey Rum Light! He would never debase himself so cravenly before any authority, especially some pipsqueak landlubber of a king!

...Particularly as the Horde has recently raided Stormwind, leaving the Shore Patrol at an utter loss as to what to do while they waited for the King to respawn. In the confusion, Sterkvark gave them the slip and cleverly concealed himself in a nearby tree, waiting for the opportunity to make his escape from the city. Opportunity soon came walking by, and Stervark leaped at it.

A few hours later down at Stormwind harbor, the officers of the royal warship "Onyxia's Revenge" received a surprise visit from an Admiral of the fleet who berated them in the harshest terms for not being prepared to immediately put to sea.

"By the powers!" stormed the Admiral, "I'll keelhaul the lot of you and feed you to the murlocs if this sorry excuse for a Frigate isn't under sail by the next turn o' the glass. Me old Mother herself runs a tighter ship than you strand crawling mudskunks! And splice the Main Brace, Mr. Smee, or I'll bash you with the binnacle!"

Unaccustomed to such dressing down from their noble commanders, let alone such a ferocious sea lord as this, the royal navy officers soon had their vessel underway, and marvelled at their new Admiral's command of nautical terminology.

And thus our hero turned the tables on his adversaries...and on himself as well, as shall be seen....

(To Be Continued)

The Adventures of Sterkvark the Pirate (Part I)

2009-12-08T07:42:00.000-08:00

(The Adventures of Sterkvark the Pirate first appeared in serial form in the Guild forum of Chance, the best casual raiding guild on Baelgun, if not elsewhere in the multiverse).

Sterkvark the Pirate , his one eye glaring like the white sand of this desert shore, stood over his fallen foe. "Yer an ill favoured bumboat", he said, wiping his blade on his blood red trousers, "but yer on a lee shore now, and you may lay to that!" His parrot wisely said nothing. It would not do to cross the Captain when the rum was rationed.

"These dark iron dogs will never learn" he sneered, "We'll not be renaming the ship 'The Grim Guzzler!' Ragnaros isn't Cap'n here, by the powers; I am! As long as I'm Cap'n, she's 'The Blue Oyster', and any of you freshwater swabs think different will see what comes of that!"

As things turned out, this Blue Oyster cult of personality did not sit well with the other pirates. Ten days out of Tanaris they cast Sterkvark adrift without so much as a drop of Thunderbrew and soon their renamed vessel was hull down on the horizon, leaving their castaway Captain, swearing vengeance, all alone with his parrot on a wine dark sea.

Marooned in a Jolly Boat is no laughing matter. Sterkvark the Pirate suffered a terrible thirtst, for while there was water a plenty, the Rumsey Rum soon gave out For days, he and his parrot played all the parlor games they knew while drifting in the southern seas.

At long last, about the time the parrot was starting to look like roast chicken to Sterkvark and the pirate like a year's worth of crackers, a tropical island came into view. They put ashore in a secluded cove - just the place, thought Sterkvark, for that holiday fishing camp I've always wanted.

Luckily, there was no sign of human habitation, and the local wildlife looked like just some cats and a few harmless monkeys...

(To be continued...)

Hiatus due to Hard Drive Epic Fail

2009-08-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

It will be a while before ol' Sterk get back in the game with a hard drive on the fritz and a PC needing to be replaced. Therefore, you (and he) will have to content yourselves with a few screenshots of the most fashionable male dwarf in his realm...

Stuff, Stuff, Everywhere

2009-07-30T10:58:00.000-07:00

There are limits, even in WoW, to how many outfits and how much cool RP stuff you can accumulate without running out of storage space. Even if you dedicate all your bank slots to your hat collections, broken bottles and offhand frills, the day will come when there is more that you want than you can fit in your bags and still have space for your raid gear and the stuff that actually helps you win fights.

What is a fashionable toon to do?

If this were real life, you might be compelled, as I am, to have a tag sale (the equivalent of a trip to the vendors). If you are super organized, and I am not, you might decree that for every new item that you acquire, an old one must go. Or you might just rent a dumpster - that old standby DELETE.

Here are a few tips I have learned about maximizing the potential of every item in your collection and the space you have to keep it.

1. Use your Bank All for anything not Soulbound. This will be mildly inconvenient when you need to log off to mail yourself a stack of fish, but most of your fashionable gear will be bound to you and can only go in your own bank or bags.

2. Use the most versitile items of apparel in many costumes. Imelda Marcos had closet space for 2,000 pairs of shoes. You don't. Do what the Real Life fashion mavens do and find a belt or two that goes with everything. Unless it is a matched set, you do not need a one-off pair of gloves or shoes. Even the same pair of pants can be used for many different looks. I get a lot of mileage out of Azure Silk Pants, Willow Belt, Studded Belt and Calico Shoes.

3. Don't equip that perfect hat until you have acquired the full outfit. As long as you leave it BoE, your Bank Alt can store it for you.

4. Covet not the Bosses Gear. If it is not available to players, it doesn't matter how hot you think you would look in Queen Alexstrasza's Uber Babe armor. You can't have a Pirate Admiral's Coat, either. Get over it.

5. Avoid trying to fill non essential fashion slots. Especially for male toons, there are very few times when you will want to equip shoulders, capes or bracers to complete a specific costume look. How many pirates do you know who went running around looking like linebackers? Unless you want to be a high fashion wizard, these are of limited costume value. Stick with Hats, Chests, Legs, Waists and Feet in that order.

6. Be distinctive! After you have been browsing the AH for a month or so, you will have exhausted its fashion potential. The distinctive gear comes from quests. Seek out that stylin' red hat and consider dumping the threadbare one. You can always get another from the AH if you miss it later.

7. Take a screenshot and save that, not the garb. Especially with one-off costumes where it was a fun look to acquire but you are unlikely to use it again, record the moment in all its glory and then send that headress and loincloth off the to the vendors.

8. Keep it Fresh! Find new opportunities to use the cool fashion attire you have assembled. I like to joust in mine, which for a DPS warrior has the added advantage of letting me dual wield the lance with my offhand item. Stuff like this goes in you bags, not your bank.

9. Let an alt have the fun. Not every toon needs the First Mate Hat....well, maybe they do need that, but there are other looks that you can let your alts have without burdening your main. And frankly, some fashion looks better on certain races and genders than others. Male dwarves and dresses are not a pretty combination.

10. Remember to play the game. You still ought to be out there questin' and hackin' and slashin' and castin' and whatnot. And acquiring mounts and vanity pets. They don't take up bag space. And you will still look marvelous!

Tim-m-m-m-ber-r-r-r!

2009-07-30T08:33:00.000-07:00

"I didn't want to do this job. I wanted to be....a lumberjack!" Well, thanks to four tailor made shirt patterns, now you can. The Red Lumberjack Shirt is the classic choice for this look, but you can go with Blue, Green or Yellow too, depending on access to the patterns. Better yet, they are all wearable by level 1, so your bank alt should be making the most of these as well.

For the rest of the outfit, Sterk wears Walking Boots because of the gaiters, Azure Silk pants because he doesn't have Solliden's trousers yet and they pass for Denim blue jeans, Fingerless Gloves and the leather Studded Belt. The hat is one of the smaller brimmed designed, in this case the Crochet Hat.

Sterk wields the 2 handed Woodchopper, although there is 1- handed lumberjack axe he might deign to use as a hatchet but not to fell the mighty trees of the Grizzly Hills! Aside from this great logger's paradise, enterprising lumberjacks can find suitable worksites in the Stonetalon Mountains or wherever else the Venture Company has decided to start a clearcut. As long as the daily lasts, your Level 80 toon can make it more of a challenge by equipping your lumberjack garb and doing the Jack Me Some Lumber quest from the goblins at the Argent Tournament Grounds. Let me know how that works out...

Bandito

2009-07-29T09:06:00.001-07:00

The Haliscan Brimmed Hat (or Don Carlos' Famous Hat for those who put in the extra effort to get it) is an outstanding and distinctive lid. There are times, though, when you don't want to look like a Mariachi in the rest of the Haliscan outfit (unless your toon looks like Antonio Banderas; in which case, Mariachis ftw). There are times when you just want to say "Emblems? We don't need no stinkin' emblems!" and for that you need some different duds to wear with the hat.

Sterkvark (the short guy next to ol' Don Carlos) models a bandito look I've been working on for a western themed screenshot story. The Common White Shirt is paired with the Aurora Pants and knitted sandals. The belt is that versitile item, Captain Sander's Sash, and the gun my old standby the Dwarven Hand Cannon. The best part, though, is the bandolier, which is the leather chest Warden's Wraps and wearable at level 39. I can live with the extra bands on the biceps and the look is dead on otherwise.

"HEY BLONDIE! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?! JUST A DIRTY SON OF A B-"

Haliscan Hottie?

2009-07-28T11:25:00.000-07:00

Well, perhaps not on a dwarf. But if you are a higher level toon you are really missing out if you haven't made the effort to look like a mariachi or an extra from Zorro. better yet, if all you want are the Haliscan Jacket and pantaloons, a tailor with the patterns (sold by a vendor at Steamweedle Port in tanaris) can make them for your level 1 bank alt! The mats for these two items are:

65 Mageweave
6 Heavy Silken Thread
5 Black Dye
1 Red Dye
2 Thick Leather

The hat, though, takes a bit more effort, but it is well worth it, not only because it truly makes the outfit but also because there is a rare version guarrenteed to drop in Old Hillsbrad on the heroic setting that will give you an awesome non combat pet!

You start out in Tanaris at the graveyard just to the east of Gadgetstan, where you will find the inebriated Don Carlos, moping about the passage of time. At level 68 you can get the quest Nice Ha t from him and travel to the caverns of Time and Old Hillsbrad Foothills to defeat his younger self. Doing so can be a challenge, as he is a level 68 elite hunter with an elite level 68 coyote pet, but completing the quest awards a haliscan brimmed hat for your outfit.

But don't settle for that. If you do it on heroic (and this requires a reputation grind to honored with the Keepers of Time to purchase the Key of Time to unlock the heroic setting), Don Carlos' Famous Hat will drop, and equipping this hat allows you to summon the awesome Spirit Coyote non-combat pet. Unfortunately, this does not count toward pet hoarding achievements, but it is huge in comparison to other vanity companions as shown here.

Don Carlos and his Coyote "Guererro" are level 72 elites on heroic, however, and a challenge for some classes to solo. My dps warrior had difficulty closing with him while fending off the coyote and dealing with plentiful scatter shots from his gun. You will find the Don riding along the road toward Durnholde as far as the bridge. There are those who say that even if you get a message after killing him that you are saved to the instance, you can exit and reset and kill him 4 more times so that others in your group can get the hat.

Sterk wears Calico Shoes with this outfit, which come only to the ankle so as to show off the buttons and embroidery on the pantaloons. They are a nice dark color and are a fraction of the cost of dress shoes. I like a black cape with this costume, and Juno's Shadow - a rare drop from Strathome - fits the bill nicely. There are several rapiers in the game for those who can wield swords, and I made dazzling mithril rapier for this outfit. Others swear that dual wielding the mace Baron's Scepter looks like maracas. And there is yet one more item that belonged to Don Carlos that is well worth a visit to Area 52 in Netherstorm, where Boots hawks Don Carlos Tequila: just the thing for rewarding anyone who helps you get the famous hat! I am told it is also available to Alliance toons in from Bartender Jason Goodhutch in Howling Fjord.

If you really want to go overboard, you can track down and equip some of the other items belonging to The Dons of WoW. I have a Jones for Don Rigoberto's Lost Hat, though not for the haliscan outfit...

Those who want the Mexican bandito look can use either hat without the Haliscan chest and legs if they get a bit creative. We'll model that look in a subsequent post.

Home on the Range

2009-07-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

It is a shame that WoW doesn't offer 1 handed firearms, because so much else about this medieval fantasy world lends itself to Western attire. Here we see "Sherrif" Sterkvark riding through a landscape which could be freshout of Bonanza (at least in this view which has no goblins or Tauren visible).

Mulgore could be the Big Sky Country, northern Rockies at the very least, while the Badlands and Thousand Needles have the Desert Southwest sewed up tight. And the burning Venture Company caravan in Mulgore was clearly attacked by those bison-headed Tauren "redskins".

The Farmer in the Dell (or ThinkPad)

2009-07-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

Alliance toons who wanted to look like farmers rejoiced after the release of WotLK. Previously, if you wanted a pitchfork you had to hope that a Horde who was slaughtering Hillsbrad Farmers put one up in a neutral AH, or farm Zul'Gurub for his Pitchfork of Madness. But now, DK's on their starter quests can farm the Rusted Pitchfork in the Scarlet Enclave.

Sterk's brother Ystervark is a DK, but he was not paying attention to his drops and lost the opportunity to snare one of these pitchforks. Sterk picked his up in the AH for about 5g, but it is by far the best farming implement for this costume. You can also go with a shovel, of which there are six from which to choose, or a Farmer's broom.

Here is your chance to use those Blue Overalls for something other than a fishing costume. You can also farm Solliden's trousers, which look like the bottom half of the overalls, from Farmer Solliden in Tirisfal Glades. I went up there and when he finally spawned for me his rarer shovel dropped instead of his pants, but this can be used by Level 2 so my Bank Alt now struts around with it.

Sterk is wearing the yellow lumberjack shirt, which looks far browner than its name suggests, paired with a willow belt and Thread-bare hat. There are all sorts of options for boots, and since he does not have limitless closet space, Sterk wears Nat Pagle's Extreme Anglin' Boots.

Farmer pets could include the various chickens, the Elwyn lamb, or if you are really lucky you might be able to equip one of the promotional pigs. Mr. Wiggles from children's week is an easier pig to acquire. Sterk poses here with his Anaconda chicken and assorted Dalaran mounts.

Wild Wild West Part I

2009-07-18T09:34:00.001-07:00

Though it may seem somewhat incongruous for a medieval fantasy world, there are all sorts of possibilities for giving your WoW toon a western look. I previously showed you what a bearded dwarf looks like dressed like an indian and a prospector. Thanks to at least 24 different styles of wide brimmed hat and a number of others of a smilar nature, there is really no excuse not to get on your cowboy duds.

This is a very clothie friendly look, and many of the garments can be made by tailors. Sterkvark is wearing brown linen pants (azure silk pants are a reasonable alternative), and a red linen vest. This vest and the green woolen one are both open fronted and unlaced on male toons and have that western look. The blue linen vest is closed in front but also works well. The white tuxedo shirt with its string tie is perfect for wearing beneath the vest.

It is hard to find decent cowboy boots, but simple styles without cuffs or extess adornments are appropriate for cowboys. Sterk wears simple linen boots.

Leather wearers should consider the Wanderer's Belt, which looks like it was inlayed with silver. Simple belts with big buckles are just the thing. There are no pistols and holsters in the game, but some of the double barrelled shotguns are a great choice. Sterk has a Dwarven Hand Cannon.

The hat, though, is key. The black Master's Hat is Sterk's favorite. As for the pet, he goes with the worg pup and rides a slow pinto mount from Stormwind.

First Mate Hat

2009-07-15T12:50:00.001-07:00

I have given considerable space in previous posts to extolling the virtues of the various eyepatches for would be pirates without the First Mate Hat. I still think they are an excellent way to go for those who can wear leather.

But having haunted the AH for a couple of weeks, I pounced on the First Mate Hat when someone who did not know its rarity listed it with a buyout of 10g and change. 1:10,000 drop rate. I would have paid 1,500g.

The broken bottle, by the way, is Barman Shanker, a rare item that drops from the barkeep in the Grim Guzzler in Black Rock Depths. It has an 8% drop rate, and I got it on the 5th try.

I do like the hat...

What's Cookin'?

2009-07-08T07:04:00.001-07:00

The inclusion of the chef's hat in the last patch opened up a whole new look for cooks. 100 Dalaran cooking awards may seem steep, but I have almost never needed to buy more northern spices and am well stocked with both food and recipes after 6 months of doing the daily. It was an easy choice, and one which may become slightly more useful after the hat gets an upgrade in the next patch.

For now, though, it is all about the look. It is a creamy ivory color that really stands out even in dimly lit environments such as Ironforge. There is not, alas, a white tuxedo jacket or apron in the game suitable for a Male dwarf who cooks, although the Brewfest dress does have a dark apron and might be a good alternative for a female toon. The White Tuxedo Shirt and Black Pants combo, either from Noble Garden or tailor made, are reasonable choices for an executive chef. Sterkvark models this look above, with Calico shoes. One could also throw on Blue Overalls and go for barbecue pit boss, or Deckhand's shirt and Solliden's Trousers for short order cook. Horde can do a quest for something called leather chef's belt.

No self respecting chef (who can equip a mace, at any rate) should be without Cookie's Tenderizer, and there are many cleaver options for those who use axes. Sterk, as a dual wielding warrior goes with both. Other offhand options include the various hand-held fish or even last year's mutton for 50 Darkmoon tickets.

Miner: Version 2 (and 3)

2009-07-06T08:30:00.000-07:00

Here is a second take on the miner look from a previous post. Sterk still wears the Expert Goldminer's Hat and blue workman's shirt, but this time the legs are Brown Linen Pants with Willow Belt (of the Monkey). I am not yet satisfied with the boots, trying Haal'eshi Boots (of the Boar) this time though I think they make him look too jackbooted.

I am very pleased, though, with his dual wielded mining tools. Along with the cold iron pick, I picked up The Shoveler for around 50g in the AH and am certain there are many other times I'll be glad I had a shovel onhand.

It is amazing what transformations are possible just by changing headgear. Slapping on the black Fireheart Skullcap (of Spirit) makes a prospector out of the hard rock miner. I will do another version based on this hat with the yellow lumberjack shirt and blue overalls one of these days...

"Betcha Goin' Fishin' Alla de Time"

2009-07-03T18:01:00.000-07:00

Even those obsessed with tier gear make room in their bags for clothes that help them fish. Sterk has been a maxed out fisherman for a long time, and even when he is after Monsterbellies he rarely catches junk, but he wouldn't be caught dead - even angling for baby crocolisks in Stormwind - without his weatherbeaten fishing hat. This is the

fishing hat, even better than the other one that is a reward from turning in a rare fish from the Stranglethorn Fishing Extravaganza. It is a rare reward from the Shatt and now Dalaran Fishing Dailies. No serious angler should be without it, and wearing yours while fishing marks you as such.

In fact, there are a number of rare fishing rewards that anglers equip to show off their good fortune. A number of these are pets, including the four baby crocolisks that 1.4% of the time are rewards from the Shattrath Crocolisks in the City daily. Sterk has done this daily everytime it has come around since Februrary and has both Snarly and Toothy to show for it. Although acquiring even one of these ought to count as a significant achievement in anyone's book, this is not yet considered one officially, the way catching Mr. Pinchy and then getting him to cough up the magical crawdad pet, or fishing up the Dalaran Sewer Rat both are. Or that confounded Sea turtle mount which has yet to drop for me. I did get the strand crawler pet during my first week of Dal fishing dailies, however, and any of these make ideal fishing accessories.

Be that as it may, if you have the space and like to fish, it is worth taking a little time with how you look while doing it. Sterk models his current fishing look, having set aside his standard blue overalls for something more suitable fro fishing in northern streams. Along with his weatherbeaten fishing hat, he wears the green lumberjack shirt with brown linen pants. His fingerless gloves drop from Thuros Lightfingers, a rare spawn at any of the four Defilas camps in Elwynn forest, and have the +2 fishing enchant. There are other fingerless gloves in the game in different colors - knitted gloves are black versions of the same model and are sold by many cloth vendors.

As for the feet, they are Nat Pagle's Extreme Anglin' Boots, the reward for catching Brownell's Blue Striped Racer at the Stranglethorn fishing contest. The waist is the reliable leather studded belt that goes so well with working stiff attire. The rod is the Mastercraft Kalu'ak Fishing Pole gained at Exalted from the Kalu'ak Quartermasters.

There are plenty of other fishing costume possibilites out there, and there is an extensive thread on this subject in the forums at El's Extreme Angling.

Miner: Version 1

2009-07-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

Here's a relatively simple look that lends itself to variation. To be honest, I am not yet satisfied with the lower half of this miner costume - I think the pants should be a carhartt brown and the boots more like sh*tkickers - but from the belt up I like the look.

The headgear, discussed in a prior post, is the Expert Goldminer's Helm : an 8% drop from the rare level 38 elite Digmaster Shovelphlange in the pre-instance parts of Uldaman. I found it in the AH for 20g and as a non-engineer was thrilled to have it. It serves very well for any construction worker look (for instance, if you and your guild wanted to dress like the Village People, not that any that I know of have done so (see previous post).

There are a number of weapons in the game that look like miner's picks, and a few of these actually work as picks as wellnd go in your miner's bag. Sterkvark models one of these above: Cold Iron Pick.

The blue workman's shirt is a great choice for a miner or others who do manual labor. I especially like the rolled sleeves and suspenders. The mats are cheap and many high level tailors can make it. The studded belt sold by leather armor merchants is just the thing for holding up your dungarees if you can wear it.

Sorceror Pants and Simple Linen Boots are acceptible, but not ideal choices for the rest of the outfit but were what I had on hand. I will substitute Brown Linen Pants in all likelihood, perhaps with Durable Boots or another simple, lighter colored design.

This miner costume is just right for city sanitation engineers (think Dal sewers) and those who labor far underground. The prospector, on the other hand, is a very different look, and one that we shall attempt to duplicate in another post.

Fuss and Feathers: Dressing up like an Indian

2009-06-29T11:57:00.001-07:00

Our fashion-challenged guild has a fashion challenge yesterday. Sterkvark, as is his wont, was the instigator. It was called: "It Takes a Village (People)" and was meant to inspire fellow guildies to dress up like any of the six flamboyant characters from that musical group and belt out a rousing chorus of Y-M-C-A in Stormwind.

Well, some folks ended up in Ulduar and some folks ended up hiding from us, so it turned out that we had representatives for the Cowboy and Indian only when the big moment arrived. Hats off to my guildie Emereth who really got into the spirit of things and made the hottest space cow cow girl this side of Nagrand. As for Sterk, since he shelled out for a dye job and a new hairstyle to go with his Native American attire, this post will feature options to deck your toon out in warpath style.

If you are a Tauren or Night Elf, you have a physiological and perhaps even cultural advantage in looking like Pocahontas or Pontiac. Sterk is a bearded dwarf, but black hair, a short beard and barbarian braids helped to sell the look (and at level 80 cost him more than 11g at the barber shop).

The idea with Native American Garb is to find items that look suitably fashioned of hide and bone with little evidence of metal, or with motifs that evoke indian designs. You will end up looking like some Celtic nature priest or Conan if you are not careful in your selections, however. Here is how Sterk went about it:

As with most WOW looks, the Native American gear - that available to Allies at any rate - is really made by the right head piece. Clothies are stuck with headbands and gnomes can get mohawks, but for the rest of us finding a feathered headdress is the way to go. Sterk has several versions of these in his wardrobe (there are, all told, 2o available in-game), and this made it possible to coordinate colors with the rest of what he managed to come up with for his costume.

Sterk went with Murkblood Cover (of the Invoker) for the headdress to match the russet of his Aboriginal Vest which looks suitably like hide. Lacking the matching Aboriginal loincloth and able to wear leather, he went with the Ceremonial Leather loincloth. Outlander's boots make excellent moccassins ofr cloth wearers, with Pagan bands a suitable choice for bracers. For me, though, the crimson silk belt was an inspired choice both for color and design. A lumberjack axe already on hand made a decent tomahawk. The ideal pet proved to be the Dun Morogh Cub, and the slow Pinto mount from Stormwind was the horse of choice.

The feathers in the headresses can get lost in the shuffle, but on some heads they really stand out. I am sure there are other ways to skin this particular cat, but for a first effort I'd say Chief Sterkvark made decent showing in his Native American themed garb. For a bearded dwarf.

Sterkvark the Pirate Shares the Booty

2009-06-26T22:05:00.001-07:00

Belay thar, shipmate! Ye've missed stays, d'ya see, if ye've never gone buccaneering in Booty Bay, nor crossed yer cutlass with Southsea Freebooters in search of Cuergo's Gold!

How's that? Ye don't have a first mate hat? By thunder, yer a freshwater swab, to be sure, to set yer course by a 10,000 to 1 drop, and you may lay to that! Do ye think that Sterkvark the Pirate, the most dastardly cutthroat that ever bloodied his dirk on a Bloodsail Raider, let a little thing like a pirate hat keep him from sea roving? All ye need is an eyepatch, a parrot and a taste for adventure, and the rest of yer pirate duds are just a clove hitch away!

Actually, despire what our swashbuckling dwarf may tell you, the challenge to getting your pirate look down is not quite as straightforward as this. The problem is not a lack of options, but too many of them. Even if you forgo the Bloodsail quests, along with the matter of eyepatches you have the challenge of getting your shirt, sash and pantaloons to match instead of clash. For me this means not one but four sea dog looks, along with a number of weaponry options and the right parrot. Who knew that being a bucanneer took such fashion sense?

You might think that the Swashbuckler's line of mid 40-low 50 gear would be full of items suitable for pirates, but with the notable exception of the outstanding red swashbuckler's eyepatch that Sterkvark was elated to scoop up for 12g at the AH, and possibly the boots, there is little else here that works. You will have more luck with the Buccaneer gear that drops in Deadmines, especially the boots and some of the boss loot.

There are three basic colors in the pirate palette: Red, White and Black. Swashbuckler's Shirts come in each of these hues, while buccaneer pants are blood red. So is Captain Sanders' Sash, a wonderful quest reward from a lowbie quest chain in Westfall that also awards Captain Sanders' Shirt: a dirty white affair with very short sleeves. Buccaneer's Boots are black with a White trimmed cuffs, and with so many people farming the Deadmines you can find these on the AH for chump change or run it yourself.

The Corsair's Overshirt that drops from Van Cleef in Deadmines looks just like the red swashbuckler's shirt but is actually a chest slot item that can be worn with Captain Sanders Shirt instead of bare underneath if that suits your style. The Crimson Silk Vest is a sleeveless version of the Red Swashbuckler's Shirt and also a chest slot item and there are others in the game as well that look just like the shirts. If you are a female, the swashbuckler shirts and related chests make you look decidedly wenchy.

The biggest challenge is figuring out what else to wear besides the sash if you are wearing another red item of apparel. Any broad cloth belt with a big iron or silver buckle works well and I like the black fireheart girdle with its subtle red highlights. I like to use Aurora Pants which drop best in the Scarlet Monestary. They are a pearly white with a gold striped, bellbottom flair that works nicely barefoot or stuffed in boots. I also have a pair of dark black Sorcerer Pants which no wardrope should be without. By mixing and matching these three pants with the two belts and the various shirt and chest options, you will be able to swashbuckle in style!

The fourth option is to unbuckle your swash and blend in with the crew. Sterkvark models one of these looks, at left, with Captain Sander's Shirt and Sash paired with Seafarer's Pantaloons. Why these trousers are specific to Seafarers is not clear, but they are a utilitarian choice for the downdressing cutthroat. What really makes this outfit is the Buckler of the Seas, a shield shaped like a ship's wheel that is a reward from The Coastal Menace quest you pick up at the Westfall Lighthouse. This is the same model as two other quest rewards from Desolace and Bloodmyst Isle, so you have other options if you already did this one.

Pirate weapons may include swords such as scimitars, cutlasses and rapiers, daggers such as simple dirks, fish knives or a kris with a wavy blade. Sterkvark favors Curvewood Dagger , which looks like a kris and is a quest reward from Darkshore. He made a dazzling mithril rapier that also goes with his haliscan clothes, and picked up Buzz Saw in the Deadmines and a scimitar from the weaponcrafters across from the Stormwind AH. A Driftwood Club is another possibility, though I have yet to find one that looks like a belaying pin.

There are four parrots in the game beside the Bloodsail Admiral one, though your chances of getting the hyacinth macaw for your pirate outfit are as remote as the first mate hat. The Senegal and Cockatiel are sold in Booty Bay and the third is the misnamed Greenwing Macaw that drops in Deadmines. The Senegal is green and this one is red and blue. The White Tickbird Hatchling could pass of an albatross for your ancient mariner, and castaways might also consider the Strand Crawler from the Dal fishing dailies as a suitable pet.

Here's another great guide to pirate gear possibilities.

So now you have your gear and you are ready to rove. Where are the best locations for a well dressed pirate to ply his trade? The Deadmines and the Coast of Westfall offer possibilites, as do the Bloodsail camps by Booty Bay and Stranglethorn. The Southsea Freebooters of Tanaris have the best beaches and the finest desert isle, but the Northrend Pirates seem to have the most fun.

But whereever your roving may take you, there is so much Pirate content in this game, you are bound to look great doing it!

Let the AH be Your Thrift Store: Fashion Hunter Tips

2009-06-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

Once you wrap your head around the idea that having an outfit for every occasion means that formerly worthless junk is now like gold to you and to others, you start to see this game very differently. The AH becomes a shoppers paradise, sorting through piles of castaway drops that others spurned but you see for the fabulous costume potential they hold. Lowbie quests you might have spurned long ago suddenly have new significance and the source for that perfect set of goggles to go with your hippie duds or sash for your pirate. The new equipment manager means you can, in fact, take more of it with you.

You still have to do your homework, so here is a brief study guide for those aspiring fashion mavens who want to be the sharpest dressed lumberjack in the Grizz.

The ability to try before you buy is one of the most useful features of WOW. Ctrl-left click is your friend and ally. If you are a heavily armored level 80 in big shoulders and with big weapons, you will want to disrobe your torso before trying on that fabulous cloth shirt you just found.

At the AH, you will spend most of your time looking at green cloth armor. You will hardly ever need to spring for rare or epic costume gear, but the green stuff, and sometimes the white and even gray trash, is where it's at. I always start with the head, because hats make the outfit. Since stats are irrelevant, you will see the same design may be available for a low level hat as for a high one. Anything designed for Northrend will make you look like a viking, which is a nice look but hardly original, so you will want to look at 70 and below.

The other source for excellent costume gear is lower level quest rewards. Depending on which you have done and left undone, there may be outstanding opportunities for costume attire waiting for you in Westfall, but how do you know whether it is worth it to acquire? The answer is the Wowhead item database, which not only gives you a compendium of what is out there but also quite frequently has screenshots. You will want to set the filter so that it shows you the greens between 1-70.

Let's say you want a miner's hat. You are not an engineer, so the Goblin Construction Helmet is out. If you look up this item at Wowhead, go to the "same model as" tab. There are six other possibilities! Three, it is true, are also limited to engineers, but you also have the option to get Underworld Helm as a quest reward Beneath Thrallmar (I vendored mine, like a fool, before I saw the light), or the Expert Goldminer's Helm as an 8% drop from the rare level 38 elite Digmaster Shovelphlange in the pre-instance parts of Uldaman, where Miner's Hat of the Deep is a very rare blue drop as well.

Many of these acquisitions will be hard to pull off, but that is what makes this whole fashion thing such a challenge and such fun. And often someone else will do the work for you and put that rare drop that is not an upgrade for them on the AH. Got my second eyepatch that way...

First Mate Hatless: A Pirate Headgear Guide for the Rest of Us

2009-06-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

There are actually more guides out there for how to dress like a pirate in WoW than any other look in the game. And yet, I find there is still more that must be said on this topic, and most especially in answer to that vexing question that has bedevilled luckless sea dogs since before Arthas burned his fleet:

"What the hell is my pirate toon going to wear for headgear if I don't have the First Mate Hat with its 1:10,000 drop rate and don't want to tick off the Steamweedle Goblins by kissing up to the Bloodsail for their Admiral's Hat?"

The hat makes the outfit, friends, and if you don't have either of these you have to get creative. This post is the pirate hat guide for the rest of us.

There are really only two options for pirate hats aside from these. One is infinitely cooler than the other but is unavailable to clothies. For them, the best option is to go with the various bandanas or even a turban if you feel like a corsair of the Arabian Nights variety. For the rest of us, it is all about eye patches.

There are eight (count 'em, 8) eyepatches suitable for pirates in the game, and all but one are leather (the other is mail). Because this is a fashion guide, we are not concerned with their stats. All we need to know is how they look and how hard they are to get.

Eyepatches (as far as I can tell from peering at screenshots) come in 4 variations. You can get 'em in Black, Brown, Red, or either Black or Brown with a creepy reddish skull in the patch. There are also a bunch of engineer only eyepatches but they all have lenses and are more suited for steampunk than stevadores.

Eyepatches, with a single exception, are a challenge to get, and some of them are quite rare indeed. The only red one is Swashbuckler's Eye Patch that has a 1-3% drop rate from mid 50s rares and rare elites. That rare buzzard in Badlands has a good a drop rate as any, but unless you see this in the AH (and then snap it up friends) you may never see it drop unless you have great luck farming the silver elites... Still, for my money this is the best fashion accessory for the non-hatted pirate who favors red.

There are a couple of options in Black. In order of difficulty and likelihood of dropping from hard to hardest, these are:

Netherstorm Eyepatch: a reward for the level 70 group quest Sabotage the Warpgate;
Ragefury Eyepatch: a 9% drop from Hurley Blackbreath in the Grim Guzzler of BRD
Foror's Eyepatch: an 11% drop from Gahz'ranka in Zul'Gurub. This one is a raid, though perhaps one of you heroes thinks you can solo it...

Who cares that one of these is epic? You want black, do the Netherstorm quest (or if you already did it, go whack Hurley around a few times).

The two eye patches with the skulls appear to come in both black and brown varieties.

Malefactor's Eyepatch is a reward from a level 70 group quest reward after avery long chain in Blades and appears to be brown. It is also mail armor.
Warp-Raider's Eyepatch comes at the end of a level 68 group quest in Netherstorm called It's a Fel Reaver, But With Heart. It looks almost identical to the malefactor's patch, but is made of leather and seems to be either dark brown or black.

Lastly, there are two brown eye patches.

Eye of Rend drops 17% of the time from Warchief Rend Blackhand in Blackrock Spire.

The other is by far these easiest eyepatch for anyone who can get to Northrend. All you need is 30 minutes of winterfin clamdiving. 30 winterfin clams to Ahlurglgr the Murloc quartermaster in Borean and you, too, can be the proud owner of

Winterfin Patch of Honor , modelled for you at right by Sterkvark. You did do those Winterfin quests, didn't you?

There are bound to be moe pirate posts here at Wow-head Threads, but until the 10,000th Bloddsailer bites the dust, I'll be squinting over the bounding Maine in eye-patched glory and so, I suspect, shall you be...

Murloc Eye for the Wow Guy

2009-06-18T12:16:00.001-07:00

Let's clear the air right from the get go...

If you want to know how to tweak your World of Warcraft gear to get that extra 2 points of hit rating, or what the best helm is for your Ret Pally, you have any number of excellent Internet sources just a keystroke away. Go there with Elune's blessing. This is not the blog for you.

If, on the other hand, you want to know what cape goes with that green cowl to make the most awesome Robin Hood look in the Realm well, you have about as much chance of finding useful information on this subject on-line as you have of getting a big hug from Kel'Thuzad on your next Heroic Naxxaramus raid. Aside from some (frankly pathetic) sites along the lines of "Babes of Booty Bay", there are very few resources out there for those of us who want to look good in something other than our armor. There is so little from the Role-Playing community on this subject, which I should have thought would have been right up their alley, that I start to suspect that such players must be endangered species.

This is a shame, because there is so much that can be fun and challenging about this game besides all the farming and grinding and raiding and sleep deprivation that we have come to expect as the norm. Instead of waiting for more of the same in the next patch, we have the opportunity right now to make our own fun, find new value in old quests, and turn that vendor trash into "must have" items.

Look, I go on my guild's weekly 25 man Naxx run. I have the crusader title and am exalted with numerous Northrend factions. I have maxed my professions, and for variety I like to fish for Old Crafty in Ogrimmar. I am not bored, though I hear from many who have plateaued in game progression who say they are. I do find, though, that the repetition of dailies and the intense concentration of raiding leaves me fairly well drained and needing another outlet.

Yes, you can chase achievements and I do that too. But lately, what I have really enjoyed doing is putting together costumes built around all the incredible styles and designs that give the game such texture and yet, by and large, count for nothing with most players. who only value the gear if it is an upgrade and are content to go to battle looking like harlequins so long as they have the best stats.

This blog is an effort to fill a void in the World of Wow fashion. I play a dwarf, so there will be no night elf hotties here (unless you send me appropriate screenshots). I play a male dwarf, so unless there is a guest blogger to offer perspectives from another gender you are not likely to find ol' Stervark modelling the latest spring looks for the slinky slit skirted set. But if you want to know where to find an eyepatch for your pirate garb, or advice on soloing Don Carlos for his famous hat (and where to get his tequila), then Wow-Head Threads may be just what you were looking for.