Sterkvark the Pirate (Part IV)

Like his old shipmate Chief Brody used to say, Sterkvark was "gonna need a bigger boat." Northrend ought to have provided him with many options, but for one reason or another every vessel he considered left something to be desired.








In Venture Bay he met a certain "Captain Omen" who tried to sell him his boat, but Sterkvark just couldn't work out how he was going to swing aboard an enemy ship from a submersible...













He visited the Winterfin Murlocs for a replacement eyepatch, but just couldn't bring himself to raise a crew that only sang sea chanteys that went "Mrglmrglmgrl..."












He thought he had found a wonderful opportunity when he looked in the Want Ads and found a fully equipped sailing vessel with everything needed for an extended yoyage included...



















....except water.









Finally, he decided the only way he was going to get the ship he needed was to pirate up and steal one.

















He thought about cutting out a Vrykul longship but recalled that the giants exploded into stinking heaps of seaweed when slain and he had already endured a lifetime of stench while drifting about on the dead gorilla...








He made his way to the Onslaught Harbor and challenged the craven captain of one of the ships to single combat. What a whiner! Sterkvark though he would never roll over and die, but no one came to the captain's rescue and at long last Sterkvark had his ship and put to sea....


















...forgetting that without a crew it would be impossible for him to hand, reef and steer simultaneously...

It was enough to make any sea dog settle down and start up gold farming...


(to be continued...)

Sterkvark the Pirate (Part III)

Sterkvark found that sailing man-o-war fashion was quite different from a buccaneering cruise. For one thing, the Stormwind Sailors were squeaky clean sorts, and given to bursting out into sea chanteys with lines such as:

"We are smart and sober men, and quite without a fe-ar / In all the Royal N, there are none so brave as we are!"

What he wouldn't give for a hearty halyard chorus of "frigging in the rigging" !

He soon took to hauling himself aloft to the topgallant spar where he could slip into something more comfortable than his Admiral's disguise and share a quid with his parrot, taking turns spitingt tobacco juice on the jolly tars below. Used to the eccentricities of the Stormwind nobility, the officers and crew of the warship thought nothing of this behavior and went about their business.

So they proceeded until one foggy day in northern waters, a pirate ship bore down on them with broadsides blazing. Gazing through his cracked spyglass, Sterkvark uttered a mighty oath. Blistering blue barnacles! It was his old ship, the Blue Oyster!

But by the time Sterkvark reached the deck, the navy ship was in dire straits, a dozen holes below the water line, fires burning unchecked and all her guns disabled. Sterkvark raged across the listing deck crying "A hose, a hose, my kingdom for a hose!"

But to no avail. The crew were either dead or busy down below rehearsing for their big musical number that night. As "Onyxia's Revenge" burned to the waterline, Sterkvark was certain he could still hear them singing; "Three little maids from school are we..." It was very humiliating, especially for a Pirate King (and it is, it is, a glorious thing to be a pirate king).

Sterkvark had to admit, as he clung to a charred timber, that he was running through vessels faster than a gold farmer through Deadmines. His luck, he felt, was bound to change, and fortune, if it didn't precisely smile at him, eventually made a half-hearted grimace.

Just when it appeared that he and Davy Jones were about to become close acquaintances, a small native craft paddled over the waves. Although he could not speak the savage's native tongue, many years at sea had given Sterkvark a particular facility with the sailor's sign language understood by wharf rats and mooncussers across the many seas of Azeroth.

After frenzied gesticulation and much emoting of /beg, /cry and /lick, he got the message across to his rescuer that he wanted to find the pirate ship.

"Just lay me alongside, ye bison-headed heathen, and I'll rake her from stem to stern and take her for my own!"

The tauren paddler made some strange sounds that might have been comprehension, or perhaps indigestion, and off they went through the icy waters in search of the Blue Oyster that Sterkvark was already thinking of as once again his pearl.

It was a considerable letdown to discover that the only "great pirate ship" that the Tauren savage knew about was not a first rate, nor yet a sixth rate fighting vessel, but only great in comparison to his small canoe.

Still, beggers cannot be choosers, and so Sterkvark climbed aboard the "Dingy Dinghy", a paltry pirate pinnace of no great renown but in need of a captain. As he looked over his new command and the handful of bilge rats he now had as crew, Sterkvark mused;

"'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door, but 'tis enough. 'twill serve."

To which his first mate replied; "Cap'n, we be but humble sailors, not given to a-quotin' the likes of Billy Shakes. How about a chorus from H.M.S. Pinafore instead?"

Sterkvark promptly throttled him.

(To be continued...)

Sterkvark the Pirate (Part II)

The fight was desperate, the odds overwhelming. The Great Ape didn't have a chance. Sterkvark may have been lightly armed and armored, but the Giant Gorilla was no match for his strength and stamina. With a few snicker snacks of his wicked blades, the monster fell full on the sand...and on Sterkvark's Jolly Boat, smashing it to kindling.

There was nothing for it but to fashion another craft from the materials at hand, and after much effort and with the help of the rising tide, Sterkvark put to sea on his new vessel which he christened "The Fay Wray" after an old flame who used to have a thing for monkeys...

The monster floated, but the warm tropic waters promoted rapid decomposition and it soon occurred to Sterkvark that he might have done better making a normal raft out of wood. After an excruciatingly noisome voyage, he one again sighted land, and beached the much-reduced carcass on a lonesome coast, far from habitation...

...Or so he thought, until he rounded the first headland and found himself right in the midst of Stormwind Harbor. This was not the best place to show up in Pirate attire, and the shore patrol promptly seized him as an enemy of the state and hauled him prisoner before the King...

Soon, our fearless cutthroat trembled before the wrath of King Varian Wrynn, reduced to pleading for mercy to avoid the fate he so richly deserved of hanging in chains as a warning to all seadogs and scallywags that Stormwind will hound their kind from every ocean. The dread monarch was unmoved to clemency and ordered his headsman to take Sterkvark to Execution Dock without delay...





...Woah, woah, woah, stop it! Maybe in another universe, but this cannot possibly be the fate of Sterkvark the Pirate! He laughs at the face of death and then jumps down its throat! He tosses back flasks of Volatile Rum like it was Rumsey Rum Light! He would never debase himself so cravenly before any authority, especially some pipsqueak landlubber of a king!

...Particularly as the Horde has recently raided Stormwind, leaving the Shore Patrol at an utter loss as to what to do while they waited for the King to respawn. In the confusion, Sterkvark gave them the slip and cleverly concealed himself in a nearby tree, waiting for the opportunity to make his escape from the city. Opportunity soon came walking by, and Stervark leaped at it.

A few hours later down at Stormwind harbor, the officers of the royal warship "Onyxia's Revenge" received a surprise visit from an Admiral of the fleet who berated them in the harshest terms for not being prepared to immediately put to sea.

"By the powers!" stormed the Admiral, "I'll keelhaul the lot of you and feed you to the murlocs if this sorry excuse for a Frigate isn't under sail by the next turn o' the glass. Me old Mother herself runs a tighter ship than you strand crawling mudskunks! And splice the Main Brace, Mr. Smee, or I'll bash you with the binnacle!"

Unaccustomed to such dressing down from their noble commanders, let alone such a ferocious sea lord as this, the royal navy officers soon had their vessel underway, and marvelled at their new Admiral's command of nautical terminology.

And thus our hero turned the tables on his adversaries...and on himself as well, as shall be seen....

(To Be Continued)

The Adventures of Sterkvark the Pirate (Part I)

(The Adventures of Sterkvark the Pirate first appeared in serial form in the Guild forum of Chance, the best casual raiding guild on Baelgun, if not elsewhere in the multiverse).

Sterkvark the Pirate , his one eye glaring like the white sand of this desert shore, stood over his fallen foe. "Yer an ill favoured bumboat", he said, wiping his blade on his blood red trousers, "but yer on a lee shore now, and you may lay to that!" His parrot wisely said nothing. It would not do to cross the Captain when the rum was rationed.

"These dark iron dogs will never learn" he sneered, "We'll not be renaming the ship 'The Grim Guzzler!' Ragnaros isn't Cap'n here, by the powers; I am! As long as I'm Cap'n, she's 'The Blue Oyster', and any of you freshwater swabs think different will see what comes of that!"

As things turned out, this Blue Oyster cult of personality did not sit well with the other pirates. Ten days out of Tanaris they cast Sterkvark adrift without so much as a drop of Thunderbrew and soon their renamed vessel was hull down on the horizon, leaving their castaway Captain, swearing vengeance, all alone with his parrot on a wine dark sea.

Marooned in a Jolly Boat is no laughing matter. Sterkvark the Pirate suffered a terrible thirtst, for while there was water a plenty, the Rumsey Rum soon gave out For days, he and his parrot played all the parlor games they knew while drifting in the southern seas.


At long last, about the time the parrot was starting to look like roast chicken to Sterkvark and the pirate like a year's worth of crackers, a tropical island came into view. They put ashore in a secluded cove - just the place, thought Sterkvark, for that holiday fishing camp I've always wanted.








Luckily, there was no sign of human habitation, and the local wildlife looked like just some cats and a few harmless monkeys...

(To be continued...)

Hiatus due to Hard Drive Epic Fail

It will be a while before ol' Sterk get back in the game with a hard drive on the fritz and a PC needing to be replaced. Therefore, you (and he) will have to content yourselves with a few screenshots of the most fashionable male dwarf in his realm...

Stuff, Stuff, Everywhere

There are limits, even in WoW, to how many outfits and how much cool RP stuff you can accumulate without running out of storage space. Even if you dedicate all your bank slots to your hat collections, broken bottles and offhand frills, the day will come when there is more that you want than you can fit in your bags and still have space for your raid gear and the stuff that actually helps you win fights.

What is a fashionable toon to do?

If this were real life, you might be compelled, as I am, to have a tag sale (the equivalent of a trip to the vendors). If you are super organized, and I am not, you might decree that for every new item that you acquire, an old one must go. Or you might just rent a dumpster - that old standby DELETE.

Here are a few tips I have learned about maximizing the potential of every item in your collection and the space you have to keep it.

1. Use your Bank All for anything not Soulbound. This will be mildly inconvenient when you need to log off to mail yourself a stack of fish, but most of your fashionable gear will be bound to you and can only go in your own bank or bags.

2. Use the most versitile items of apparel in many costumes. Imelda Marcos had closet space for 2,000 pairs of shoes. You don't. Do what the Real Life fashion mavens do and find a belt or two that goes with everything. Unless it is a matched set, you do not need a one-off pair of gloves or shoes. Even the same pair of pants can be used for many different looks. I get a lot of mileage out of Azure Silk Pants, Willow Belt, Studded Belt and Calico Shoes.

3. Don't equip that perfect hat until you have acquired the full outfit. As long as you leave it BoE, your Bank Alt can store it for you.

4. Covet not the Bosses Gear. If it is not available to players, it doesn't matter how hot you think you would look in Queen Alexstrasza's Uber Babe armor. You can't have a Pirate Admiral's Coat, either. Get over it.

5. Avoid trying to fill non essential fashion slots. Especially for male toons, there are very few times when you will want to equip shoulders, capes or bracers to complete a specific costume look. How many pirates do you know who went running around looking like linebackers? Unless you want to be a high fashion wizard, these are of limited costume value. Stick with Hats, Chests, Legs, Waists and Feet in that order.

6. Be distinctive! After you have been browsing the AH for a month or so, you will have exhausted its fashion potential. The distinctive gear comes from quests. Seek out that stylin' red hat and consider dumping the threadbare one. You can always get another from the AH if you miss it later.

7. Take a screenshot and save that, not the garb. Especially with one-off costumes where it was a fun look to acquire but you are unlikely to use it again, record the moment in all its glory and then send that headress and loincloth off the to the vendors.

8. Keep it Fresh! Find new opportunities to use the cool fashion attire you have assembled. I like to joust in mine, which for a DPS warrior has the added advantage of letting me dual wield the lance with my offhand item. Stuff like this goes in you bags, not your bank.

9. Let an alt have the fun. Not every toon needs the First Mate Hat....well, maybe they do need that, but there are other looks that you can let your alts have without burdening your main. And frankly, some fashion looks better on certain races and genders than others. Male dwarves and dresses are not a pretty combination.

10. Remember to play the game. You still ought to be out there questin' and hackin' and slashin' and castin' and whatnot. And acquiring mounts and vanity pets. They don't take up bag space. And you will still look marvelous!

Tim-m-m-m-ber-r-r-r!

"I didn't want to do this job. I wanted to be....a lumberjack!" Well, thanks to four tailor made shirt patterns, now you can. The Red Lumberjack Shirt is the classic choice for this look, but you can go with Blue, Green or Yellow too, depending on access to the patterns. Better yet, they are all wearable by level 1, so your bank alt should be making the most of these as well.

For the rest of the outfit, Sterk wears Walking Boots because of the gaiters, Azure Silk pants because he doesn't have Solliden's trousers yet and they pass for Denim blue jeans, Fingerless Gloves and the leather Studded Belt. The hat is one of the smaller brimmed designed, in this case the Crochet Hat.

Sterk wields the 2 handed Woodchopper, although there is 1- handed lumberjack axe he might deign to use as a hatchet but not to fell the mighty trees of the Grizzly Hills! Aside from this great logger's paradise, enterprising lumberjacks can find suitable worksites in the Stonetalon Mountains or wherever else the Venture Company has decided to start a clearcut. As long as the daily lasts, your Level 80 toon can make it more of a challenge by equipping your lumberjack garb and doing the Jack Me Some Lumber quest from the goblins at the Argent Tournament Grounds. Let me know how that works out...